Posted on by Anamika

What it looks like from behind the specs?

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Somebody asked me what is your greatest fear and I replied that it’s being left alone at some random secluded place without my specs. That, I think, is something that everyone who has a weak eyesight fears.

I have had a strange relationship with my glasses. Started wearing them at the age of 12 after I was unable to properly see things written on the blackboard and I can never forget the way my family reacted to this new development in my life. Nobody in my entire family, neither my mother’s side nor my father’s, has a weak eyesight.

At first, it felt really wierd to have something sit on your nose 24*7. Selecting the right piece of fabric to wipe them off, realising midway through taking my top off that I had to take off my glasses first, were some of the minor inconveniences that I got used to over time. The major inconvenience was, my family.

I was scared to tell my parents that I needed glasses, that I couldn’t see faraway things properly so, I wrote a letter to them.

Things were still going well till the doctor said I needed prescription glasses. I don’t think I will ever forget how my father sat upset, without saying a single word in the drawing room after this news. And my mother ofcourse, blamed me for watching TV from too close, which I didn’t do. God bless that doctor though, who made it clear that there was a problem with the shape of my eyes’ lenses, all naturally.

Looking back at the time it feels so ridiculous how everyone made such a big deal about such a small thing. My mother, like any typical Indian mom, was already concerned about my marriage. “They will reject you over specs like they reject your sister over her weight,” she said, successfully shaming both her daughters in a single sentence.

Infact, things went so serious that, from that point onwards I started hating going to my village. The whole family looked at me as if I literally had four eyes on my face.

I hate that joke by the way. “Chaar chaar aankhein hain…phir bhi dikhai nahi deta?” Took me years to take this and every other lame joke about people wearing specs “sportingly”.

I even hated the word ‘chashmish’ which Ranbir Kapoor and Samrat from Mile Jab Hum Tum made very popular among the youngsters. It sounded like a coverup to the ugliness which the glasses brought to my face and the fact that, that is the only thing that someone is noticing about me.

I just can’t help but notice how every glow up in Bollywood is about getting rid of specs. If a character has to be portrayed as ‘cool’, the glasses must go. Naina, in Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani, looses specs and becomes a diva. They only brought the glasses back in the very last scene of the movie when Bunny had already fallen for Naina.

It can also be counted as an advantage of wearing specs though. Anyone who wears specs is by default considered a nerd, a scholar, or an academic prodigy, someone like Harry Potter. This makes me wonder how do people who wear glasses and are not even nerds feel like?

For the longest time I used to wear the rectangular- shaped specs that were once in the trend but definitely not in the big year of 2023. That was because I only considered specs a necessity and not an accessory. I cannot exactly pinpoint when this trend of finding girls with specs cute started, but, I am pretty sure it is some Bollywood inspired sorcery and no one actually means it.

Anyways, I don’t hate my specs anymore, except for when I can’t find them obviously because I put them somewhere and then I realise that I need my specs to find my specs. I do not even aspire to get rid of them with the help of LASIK in the near future, which I so desperately wanted to as a kid.

Glasses do help you in many ways other than just correcting your vision, like veiling teary eyes, helping coverup the bad application of eyeliner, the latter being my favourite.

Posted on by Anamika

Time and Emotions

Pic credit: Pinterest

I am a slow learner. Not when it comes to hard facts, remembering historical dates or even chemistry formulas. It’s more about emotions, so we can rather say I am not able to adapt easily.

I realised this while returning from home after Chhath Puja this time.

I am not really a flight person unless, obviously, it is very urgent, or it is a very long journey. Trains have a special place in my heart, probably because my father is a retired railway engineer. Our family has enjoyed a lot of free rides, my favourite being the journey from Lucknow to Nasik, all thanks to him.

But, as you grow up, one thing that you are always struggling for is time and flights help you save that time. With three days’ leave in hand, all I could do to make the best out of it was to catch a flight.

While I was heading home, it didn’t feel that weird that I woke up at 4:30 in Indore and by 10:30 the same morning I was embracing my mum at home in Lucknow. Happiness and excitement do make you think less. Like I am pretty sure the pilot announced the outside temperature when I landed in Lucknow as well, but it hit me only when I was returning to Indore and I started wondering why they do that.

Pic credit: Pinterest

I know that most probably it’s just basic courtesy or just a piece of information that passengers find interesting. But, I would like to believe that they do so because you have travelled a very long distance in a very short span of time and inside the aeroplane you have no idea how your surroundings have changed.

When I landed back in Indore and reached my flat it took me some time to comprehend the fact that just this morning I woke up in a house full of people and life. Where I did not have to think about what to have for breakfast, where my mother had already packed my lunch box before I even woke up, where my sister packed my bag for me and where my father dropped me at the airport without even me having to ask for it. Then, all of a sudden, back to nothingness or independence, as we may call it euphemistically.

I am so used to sleeping in one city and waking up in another that crossing that same distance, on the same morning, within two hours, took me off guard.

The longer journeys give you some time to gulp it all. On the train, you see the whole journey unfold in front of you, almost like a very slow transition. From one station to another, our surroundings change gradually; the weather, the people, the language, everything.

I remember almost tearing up at Lucknow railway station every time, but by the time I reach my destination, I have already made up my mind, sorted the course of action and sort of back to what I am supposed to be in this city.

The situation is almost similar to how we find ourselves begging someone to stay a little longer when they break up with us. It is because we don’t know how to act after the connection is suddenly snapped. We ask them not to completely stop talking because we are used to that communication, and so we want time to let our feelings resolve. This request often gets rejected though, as the other person has already moved on and cannot waste their time with us anymore.

So, it’s a battle between time and emotions everywhere and there is no solution to this. Life doesn’t give you time to settle down, sometimes not even physically, let alone emotionally.

Posted on by Anamika

Girl in the mirror

Pic credit: Pinterest

I am so proud of her
The way she is holding up
By herself, gulping it all
Like poison in a silver cup.

The falls, the jumps, the heartbreaks
Sewed her pillow with jewels
Cause no shoulder was worthy enough
Of the tears that could fill pools.

Pitying yourself is the worst
Asking what led to this hell
She picked up others from the mud
Failed to get up when herself fell.

Even when on the ground
The passerine loved the sky
A broken bone and dirty skirt
She stood up again for another flight.

To hide the ugly swollen eyes
She adorned her face with a smile
The loveliest faces are always those
Getting eaten away from inside.

‘Just another 24 hours’
She imitated from behind the mirror
Oh! I am so proud of her
My sweet little silly dreamer.

Posted on by Anamika

तोहफ़े में दी हुई किताब

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न जाने किस मनहूस घड़ी में मुझे उस पर इतना प्यार आया था कि उसे अपनी पसंदीदा किताब तोहफ़े में दे दी। आज न वो किताब मेरे पास है, न वो इंसान। लेकिन उस लम्हे को मनहूस कहना सही नहीं है। कुछ तो सोचा होगा मैंने। शायद ये कि क्या पता वो जल्द ही पढ़ कर वापस कर देगा या फिर ये कि हम इतने लंबे समय तक साथ रहेंगे कि किताब उसके पास हो या मेरे, एक ही बात होगी।

मुझे पीछे मुड़ कर देखना पसंद नहीं है, क्योंकि मुझे कमज़ोर नहीं साबित होना। फिर भी सब कुछ खत्म हो जाने के बाद भी जब उसने एक बार मिल लेने को कहा तो मैं मान गई। स्वार्थी हो गई थी मैं। सोचा बातों-बातों में किताब का ज़िक्र कर दूंगी तो वो खुद ही वापस लौटा देगा। एक बार को सोचा भी नहीं कि ये कितनी ओछी हरकत होगी।

मुझे बस अपना एक टुकड़ा ऐसे इंसान के पास छोड़ना नागवार गुज़र रहा था जो मुझे कभी समझ ही नहीं पाया।

वो कोई नई किताब नहीं थी। बाज़ार से महंगी से महंगी चीज़ खरीद कर लाना और किसी को दे देना आसान होता है। क्योंकि वो चीज़ अभी आपकी नहीं हुई होती है। उसमे जान नहीं होती है। उसमें आप नहीं होते हैं।

वो किताब मेरी थी, मैंने पढ़ी थी, अपनी पसंदीदा पंक्तियां रेखांकित की थीं और शायद कुछ लिखा भी होगा। शायद वो कभी समझ नहीं पाया कि किसी को अपनी मनपसंद किताब तोहफ़े में देने का क्या मतलब होता है।

हम कभी नहीं मिले दोबारा। अब मेरी किताब हमेशा उसके पास रहेगी। ‘मेरी’ इसलिए कह रही हूं क्योंकि उसके पहले पन्ने पर मेरा नाम लिखा है। एक नाकाम कोशिश उसपर अपना हक जमाने की। काश इतना आसान होता किसी को अपना बनाना, बस नाम लिख दो।

दिलचस्प बात है कि उस किताब में उसका नाम भी है। मैंने नहीं लिखा है, पहले से ही था। उस कहानी का एक हिस्सा।

उस कहानी का एक वाक्या बखूबी याद है मुझे। उसका मतलब भी अब ज़्यादा बेहतर समझ में आता है।

हुआ कुछ यूं था कि खां साहब फुन्नन मियां को अपनी ग़ज़ल सुना रहे थे। लेकिन इस ग़ज़ल के एक शेर को सुन कर फुन्नन मियां चौंक पड़े और बोले, “साहब हम कोनो पढ़े लिखे त हैं नहीं। बाकी आशिक के वास्ते सर उठाने का महावरा कुछ समझ में न आया। ऊ सर कटा सकता है, मंसूर बनकर, सरमद बनकर। ऊ ईसा बनकर सूली पर चढ़ सकता है। बाकी ऊ सर नहीं उठा सकता। सर उठाना तो मोहब्बत का कच्चापन साबित करता है, जैसे ऊ को अपनी मोहब्बत की अकड़ है।”

शायद हमारी मोहब्बत में भी कच्चापन था।

Posted on by Anamika

Empty

Pic credit: Pinterest

I imagined a piece of flesh hanging from the ceiling
In the blankness of the mind it fitted in right

How long has it been there?

It will take them days to realise
Who will look for me, who will be the first one to find?

The train of thoughts was moving fast skipping all the junctions
I pulled the chain and got off at some random location

Time to eat, the stomach said
Will have to cook, said the mind
The train consumed all the fuel, I can’t wake up, not even as much as to switch on the light

Let it be then both agreed
It’s anyways not unbearable
And what’s the point of throwing food
First get accustomed to cooking for one person

Last night I broke into tears while laughing hysterically on a joke
It’s no mood swings, not my periods
Just the echo of my laugh that makes me choke

People ask me to ‘make’ friends
Are they some craft? How do I make them?
Or may be this is how it was always done?
I just failed to learn the art, not even in decades

Now the blushing sky tells me the sun is almost here
Then the knocking on my eyelids must be some sleep
Take a nap before the train departs again
And takes you on an endless journey of emotions like some forest deep.